Month: February 2015

Posted on

Dream Come True

I started a new job this week…as a therapist. It all seems so crazy to me, but in a good way. I’ve told a few people the complete story of how I got to this point, but here’s some of it.

I am currently 42 years old and my journey to becoming a therapist started back when I was 15 and a Sophomore in high school. At that time I was hospitalized for major depression and spent three months in a locked ward. Thinking back, I really appreciate the support I received from my parents. Even though I didn’t realize it at the time, they really were there for me. They did their best to deal with a child they loved, who was highly suicidal. As a parent myself, I can’t even imagine what they must have gone through, what they thought, what they felt. It must have been scary as hell.

Along with my parents support, I was seeing a counselor. His name was Mike and I saw him from the time I was 15 until I was 18 or so. He accepted me for who I was, he challenged my ideas/beliefs without trying to “change” me. He is one of the major reasons why I am alive today. And because of his example, of how he influenced my life, I decided at the age of 16 that I also wanted to become a counselor. To be able to give back a little, follow in his footsteps and maybe, just maybe, help some other kids who are going through a tough time in life.

Flash forward 27 years. It’s been a long journey, but I’m here, I’m standing in my office (I have an office!). It’s almost shocking. And it seems so fragile. Like it’s gong to be taken away at any minute. I realize that I’ve been waiting for the past year or so for things to fall through. For the world to go, “Haha, that’s gonna to happen.” It started with graduating with my Masters degree. I really didn’t think I’d make it through that final year. Working full-time, school part-time, doing my practicum (another 10-15 hours per week), trying to write my Senior Paper (thesis), going through a divorce, being separated from my son, trying to get another relationship going (which was a both a source of great support and stress). It all seemed too much. But I went ahead anyway and held my breath until I was holding my diploma in my hand. I did it!

Then came the job search. Eight months of searching and only one call back. That was rough. But I firmly believe that things happen when they are supposed to, how they are supposed to. Not that we don’t have to do the work, but I simply believe that the world conspires to work for us, if we let it. I’ve just seen too many times how things end up working out, if not how we wanted them to, then the best way they could have. This belief gives me peace of mind when I might otherwise freak out. In any number of ways.

So, as I stand in my office I realize that I was self-sabatoging a little over the past couple weeks. I emailed several forms back to HR that ended up being blank (I swear they weren’t when I sent them…stupid ‘save’ button). I also somehow missed that I needed to get a background check before I started. Minor detail…

Fortunately, my employer has been great with these things. But it did get me thinking. I hear people talk about how it’s too late to pursue their dream. I don’t believe that. I think it’s exactly the right time, when you decide to do it. Maybe it won’t look precisely like you imagined it, but when you’re ready, it will unfold how it’s supposed to. And if you’re not ready, that’s ok, too. You’re right where you’re supposed to be, even if it’s an uncomfortable place. My guess is that there’s probably a lesson you need to learn before you move on. And just a side note, even if that lesson involves another person in some way, it’s not about them. At all. It’s all about what’s going on inside of you.

So now what do I do about my little self-sabatoge??? Well, at least now I’m aware of it, that’s always the first step. For a while I’ll need to be more aware of what I’m doing to make sure I have all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed. And remember not to be complacent in what I do. For me, that’s when I get lazy. And, boy, can I get lazy.

I guess my question for you is, “Do you have a dream and are you following it?” If not, that’s ok, but are you at least doing something that you love? It doesn’t matter what it is, work, family, yoga, baking, being a parent, a lover, an artist, musician, athlete, or even taking time to knit or read a good book. Just pick something you love and do it. Whether or not you’re doing something you love (but especially if you’re not), remember to be kind to yourself. I don’t think many people have ever beat themselves into doing something. Instead, I believe these things come from loving ourselves. Learn to be kind to yourself, let yourself make mistakes, take care of yourself, be a little selfish (or self-ful, as the case may be). And when you’ve learned to love yourself (and do what you love), go share that love with others.

Posted on

Coming Home to Winter

This weekend, for the first time since I moved back after spending 11 years in San Diego, Chicago felt like home. Put simply, it was really nice. A big part of this feeling came from attending a Winter Ball. I attended a ball. Sounds strange to me to say those words, but that’s what I did.

There was no particular dress code for the ball, other than to wear white and express yourself. A small problem was that I have no white clothes. It’s a color I just don’t wear. Sooo, I had a little shopping to do. Fortunately, my date for the night was willing to help me out with my clothing selection. I had an idea for a shirt to wear, and she ok’d that part, but it was really the pants she suggested that got me out of my comfort zone. I don’t generally wear anything quite that tight. Or striped.

At this point I do feel that I should explain a little about my current journey in life. Particularly with clothes. I’ve always gone for comfort, which means jeans and a t-shirt. So much so, that my ex called it my “uniform.” I was ok with that, I didn’t stand out and I didn’t need to think too much about what I wore. Also, I didn’t care too much for society’s “expected dress code.” I’ve always thought that dressing up and looking “good” was confining and boring. My journey from that idea to the idea of being able to wear clothes that express who I am, while still looking professional, started back in San Diego. While my clothing selection may not have been “professional” on Saturday night, it certainly was a step in the right direction for self expression.

So I got ready and met my date at her place. She was happy to see that I was already dressed in the clothes that she had helped pick out earlier in the day. In particular, she expressed her appreciation for the tight pants (who knew??). As I waited for her to finish getting ready, I enjoyed a fine bourbon barreled ale and got some ideas from one of her roommates for touch ups to what I was wearing.

My date finished getting ready and came out, her white skirt and top was a beautiful contrast against her skin and dark hair. Her silver necklace glimmered in the light, but it was her smile that lit up the room.

We decided to call an Uber, since we knew we would be having a few drinks and it was snowing so heavily. Arm-in-arm we stood outside, waiting for the car to pick us up. I was wearing a black coat over my white clothes, while she was dressed all in white, from her head to her feet. The snow was collecting in our hair as she smiled up at me, and that was the moment I finally felt at home. That Chicago was once again my home.

We arrived at the ball, and walked inside. The space was beautifully decorated…in white, of course. There was also soft, colored lighting throughout the place. The people were amazing to look at, as well. Seeing everyone dressed in white was so cool. Everywhere you looked there were white skirts, pants, shirts, tops, hats and more. And even though I was a little uncomfortable in my tight, striped, pants, it was definitely the right call to wear them. I’ll admit, it helped that I received a random compliment on them within five minutes of arriving.

The ball was a bit of a whirlwind, but here are some of the highlights. I already mentioned the people, and my date knew many of them. I didn’t move more than a few feet at a time without meeting someone new. Everyone was great, and I always enjoy meeting great people.

To add to that, the music was incredible and so much fun to dance to. One of the DJ’s even sang live over the music, and her voice was beautiful. It was especially fun to watch my date dance, as she moves through space so gracefully. The performances were great, with fire-spinning and aerial silks being just two of the performances. I also tried absinthe for the first time, which was good, but I’m still not sure about. The whiskey bar, on the other hand, was awesome. I got to try an amazing, smoky scotch that really blew me away. I’ll admit to finishing it after my date had just a sip or two, but she’s so tiny, and I didn’t want to force alcohol on her. So, really, I was just thinking about her as I enjoyed that yumminess myself.

Unfortunately, we showed up after dinner was over, so I can’t comment on the food. However, the peanut M&M’s we snagged late at night were divine. They were truly the best M&M’s I’ve ever eaten.

Although we left the ball late (or early, depending on your point of view), there were still plenty of people ready to talk and dance the rest of the night away. We got into the car to leave, and on the way home we spoke about the night and how much fun we had. The snow was coming down hard, and would continue to do so for a while, but even still, I realized it’s great to be back home in Chicago.